How to practice BDSM for the first time
WITHOUT GETTING UPSET.
BDSM* is in vogue and recent erotic novels and films have achieved the unthinkable, making a practice that was once seen as a weird fetish the norm. And sure, they had to release a blockbuster and sell thousands of books along the way, but hey… at least we’ve made progress!
Following the world premiere, where Anna met Christian and discovered that dungeons can sometimes take the form of sexy red rooms, thousands of women jumped on the “50 Shades” bandwagon and vowed to fulfil their most secret fantasies.
BDSM is a game – and a very exciting one at that – where there are clear, precise rules that, for once, aren’t meant be broken, given that your wellbeing also plays a part (tip of the day: set limits, arrange everything beforehand, define safe words and choose the right tools). With this in mind, Toys of Eros asked 4 women about their BDSM experiences in order to provide you with useful advice for when the moment arises. Are you ready?
Once I understood that I wasn’t suffering from emotional problems, and just liked how latex and leather shined on my skin, I approached my partner about my fantasies. I explained how I felt and said I was curious to try something new. For me, the most surprising thing was that he loved the idea. He’d been considering it as well but was too scared to ask me. Once you’ve brought down the barrier of shame, everything is easier. We’re normally the “go big or go home” type and, after discussing it for a couple of days, we visited a boutique where we bought thousands of gadgets: costumes, props and instruments for our first session. However, when it came to it, we weren’t actually sure how to use half of our new “tools”. We thus lost our sense of security in each other, as well as our initial excitement. As you already know, there’s nothing sexier than having complete trust in one another. I also happened to buy myself a hood…which almost suffocated me (and no, that wasn’t the idea!) As such, my advice would be that you think about the setup and what you want to do, then start slowly so that all of your experiences are enjoyable. You can use masks to cover your eyes, and handcuffs (or even the mask itself!) to tie each other up. You’re not going to become submissive or dominant experts in 5 minutes, so take it easy and give it time.
During sex, I’d never really gone much further than the odd spank. I have to admit…I liked the feeling, but either due to shame or because I was in denial, I didn’t dare take things any further until quite recently. Nowadays I truly couldn’t care less if I’m judged for it. Discovering and accepting what I like has improved my sex life. Moreover, after reading a beginner’s guide to BDSM – The Ultimate Guide to Kink – and realizing how wrong I was about it, I let myself go. So my advice is this: if you’re fans of spanking** like me, you should know that the most important thing is that it’s consensual (as with any other sexual act), pre-arranged and that the best places to spank are those with the most skin, fat or muscle (your butt, for example).
With the right person and, provided you know what you want to do and how, it can be an amazing experience. Most people think that BDSM means wild and uncontrolled sex, but there’s a gentler side to it too. One that doesn’t involve complicated knots or strange positions – it’s not scary and it’s great for beginners. My name is Tania and I’m a dominatrix. I devote myself to humiliating men who ask to be humiliated and I would advise that, when you decide to enter the underworld of BDSM, you consult the experts. Practicing BDSM with the right person often improves any preconceptions you might have and also motivates you to keep trying. You should arrange everything beforehand and set clear limits. After all, your body will be at someone else’s mercy and must always be treated with respect. For those of you who are keen to become dominants like me, the first thing you should be clear about is that, in this situation, you can give pain to give pleasure.
The first time I took part in bondage – because I wanted to be tied up and leave my body at the will of my partner – I ended up with bruises all over my body from the ropes. We made the mistake of not reading up on it and thought tying someone up was the same as tying your shoelaces. So choose high-quality materials and don’t tie straps, ropes or whatever it is that you’re using too tight. Do A LOT of research on the topic; it’s also a good idea to practice beforehand if you plan to tie bondage knots (they can be complicated). Start with your hands and feet, use regular hand or ankle cuffs and, if you enjoy it, increase the intensity (bit by bit).
*BDSM: A term covering the erotic practices and roleplaying involved in Bondage, Dominance, Submission and Masochism.
**Spanking: The action of smacking or being smacked. A practice used amongst lovers of BDSM.